Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.