First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.