Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.