First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS