First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices