[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You Might Also Like
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival