[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.