*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
the council will decide your fate
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.