*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.