Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is not me but this is me

I don’t think my car can fly

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

dead inside

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.