First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
got so much cardio in today
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever