Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

They did not think through this water fountain

repaired

Legend 🤣🤣

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*