First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Rambo Rambow
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
The options really are this bad
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle