Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later