[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster