[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?