[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!