[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.