@c12h22o11balls

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

- @c12h22o11balls

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@MikeLonghelt

They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

@DrakeGatsby

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

@shopkins776

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

@funflaps

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@WilliamAder

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.