[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”