Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore