[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Traveler’s camo
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are