[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.