[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?