[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
lmao
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.