Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t wait til they legalize outside

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

the simulation is moving too fast

I have never related to a cat more

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*