[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Body by cheese-puffs.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]