Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!