[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.