[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Spring cleaning checklist…
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Baking is just science you can eat.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*