[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.