[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital