@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

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@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

@_steamy_mac

Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

@justabloodygame

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.

@Darlainky

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

@Reverend_Scott

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this