ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
This made me smile…
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.