*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.