*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
new shirt idea
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
bad news gang
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.