*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.