[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Human are so complicated
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February