[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.