Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

ㅤ

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here