[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.