[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Waiting for the Charmin
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?