Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver