*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.