*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
You Might Also Like
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast