Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Adultry does not sound fun at all

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.