[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread