Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.