[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it