wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”