[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.