[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Well, this explains it:
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.