Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”