[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
bears
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
sigh
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
who wore it better?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.