Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.
Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.
Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?
[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*steps on a Lego*
*shouts a bunch of obscenities*
Son: *walks in* is football on?
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.
I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back