HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*First day as an exorcist*
ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:
“Let me see your phone”