Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Woke up against my better judgment again
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!