@thenatewolf

*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…

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@briangaar

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

@iMonkGreen

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@evanrhorne

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”