Is my iPhone named Freedom?
Do I never pick up phone calls on it?
Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?
[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]
Me: lol you could try
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked