Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Couple goals

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.