*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Sunday
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.