Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1625924085522874368/pu/vid/720x1280/04XJIN06c7bvpO6D.mp4?tag=14

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

it takes so much energy

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

The Assassin.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Terribly Tuesday.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.