*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! âHold on tight, spider-monkeyâ đ„°
Customer: âŠ
Me: âŠ
Customer: âŠ
Me: âŠEdward Cullen 2008.
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Iâm tired of writing âSent from my iPhoneâ at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Itâs pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.Â
Iâm not responsible for your kids learning new words if you donât tell me Iâm on speakerphone.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. Youâre annoying enough as it is
If your online dating profile says âI donât have sex on the first dateâ then thatâs why youâre on a dating website.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You donât even have a job
[sees friend at the store]
âHiâ
Hey
âWhereâs your better half?â
The PS4âs at home
âNo I mean-â
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, Iâd love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I wonât be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
â clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If âsurf and turfâ didnât rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reeseâs.
Eventually weâll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldnât come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
me: hey whatâs your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we arenât married we will tell each other whatâs honestly wrong about ourselves.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn itâs 39 million more years of moss
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didnât freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
âAlexa, homeschool the children.â
Now Iâm trying to see if I can hear the ocean
â me, as a gynecologist