Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.