*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! âHold on tight, spider-monkeyâ đ„°
Customer: âŠ
Me: âŠ
Customer: âŠ
Me: âŠEdward Cullen 2008.
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Everything went according to a plan I didnât have.
Iâve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping theyâll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
WIFE:
âAt recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isnât that adorable?âME:
âThat Miller kid? Heâll eat anything.â
BOSS: Youâre late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: Weâre lucky to even be here you know
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Your babyâs cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is âpeachyâ? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and Iâm watching
Two reasons I donât trust people:
1. I donât know them.
2. I know them.
I call loading the dishwasher âquantum physicsâ because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Kangaroo 911: Whatâs your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CANâT FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
TRES leches?! En esta economĂa?!
Itâs funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor âto clear my headâ or âso I can think straight,â like that isnât the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
boomer parents will be text âcall meâ with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and thereâs some in the library.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Refusing to attend my brotherâs gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked âit wildâ so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe heâs not into redheads.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize Iâm describing him.
me: I bet other husbands donât get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they donât put their mother-in-lawâs phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
WTF, marathoners? I donât even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I hate it when I realize Iâve made a bad decision, but Iâm too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man thatâs Ludacris
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.