Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Happy weekend !

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?