Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

much to think about

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝