(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.