Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

💯😂

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

I bet

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?