[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I just tested negative for patience.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older