[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people