[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy