Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Air pods looking like an angry frog

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.