Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Rude much 😂😂😂

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse